By Dotun Fadairo
1) The Hero:
Find yourself a probably shaped by steroids white man (no women allowed here, thanks) with minimal acting skills. We are not looking for Shakespeare here, he just has to look cool in jeans, a jacket and ray bans.
Oh and be sure to give him a “cool” edgy name: Ryan Slater, Jack Tango, Dick Steele etc etc etc
2) The Villain:
A one-dimensional cackling foreigner is needed here. Russians, Arabs and the occasional Chinese/Japanese Kungfu Gangsta are the go-to.
Indians? Nah.Too nice. We need intimidation. Black People? Nope. They are the drug dealers/bank robbers needed to set up our hero’s badassery credentials.
3) The Cannon Fodder:
Assemble hundreds of nameless and mostly faceless goons. Please note their only purpose is to show just how deadly and cool our hero is. So please ensure that they cannot aim for shit, have the durability of wet paper and look good riddled with holes.
4) The script:
Oh yes the script. In between all of these, be sure to craft a “script” that consists of 30 per cent one-liners, 20 per cent hero smoldering scenes and 50 per cent shootouts and explosions.
Remember, your “script” needs to end up in the dad-joke hall of fame
Speaking of explosions:
EVERYTHING must be capable of blowing up. Every goddamned thing. I MEAN EVERYTHING. Every gunshot, every car crash, every kick, every punch, every F-bomb must be accompanied by an explosion to heighten the mood.
We do not do subtle here. This movie’s setting is INTENSE only!
6) Love interest/Damsel in Distress:
A slim, nicely tittied lady is required here. In true 80s style. as white as you can find them please. No Black women or Hispanics here. Though you can allow some Asian fever now and then especially if your white male lead travels somewhere exotic if you know what I mean… ahem.
Anyway, her job is to look hot, drop some exposition filled-dialogue along with her blouse and collect the main character’s tool of mass destruction and oh yes!
7) The Love Scene:
In between all the mass slaughter, the main character and Damsel in Distress (TM) will connect and perform saxophone powered coitus. This will be shot like a soap commercial and will be gentle, smooth and devoid of any kind of protection.
For there is no such thing as protection from Dick Steele!
There you go! You won’t win any Oscars but you will be entertaining.
Stupid… but entertaining.